By Rachel Barnard

Bananas by Rachel Barnard 

Bananas. They get on my nerves. They are out to get me. Bananas: stringy yellow mush encased in slimy peels. I get goose bumps just thinking about touching​​ one. The way bananas are so commercialized and so popular bugs me. They are everywhere, in my strawberry starburst, the fruit bowl, and onto my lace. They are universal, not to mention so common they even grow on trees! What is one to do when pursued by such a foe? This feeling of helplessness grates on my mind. The anxiety of wondering where on will pop up next has my nerves in tears.​​ 

Have you ever smelled a rotting banana? For instance, one of your siblings, for some insane reason, decides to eat a banana. Instead of consuming the entire offending fruit, like their counterparts the ape, they put the uneaten portion into the refrigerator. Days turn into weeks as the ghastly ‘thing’ starts decomposing. You don’t want to touch it, out of fear and disgust. You don’t know what to do. Soon the rotten fruit begins to melt onto the fridge and the outside of the peel becomes slick and sticky as its dying stench fills the air. It smells like vinegar. I hate that smell.

I love fruit, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just​​ that the banana is worse than eating a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach or drowning in a sea of spinach. The banana bugs me so much, that I will not eat anything with bananas in it. I even stay away from plantains, just to be safe. I know there are others out​​ there who feel as I do about the banana, that know its evil plot to take over the world, one rotten peel at a time.

Did you not know that the bananas are enemies? That they plot to destroy and hurt? They may not plan to take over the world so much as spoil it with their rottenness. Ever heard about the so-called accidental falls involving a well-placed banana peel? They are out to get us and we need to squash them down like the fruit that they are! We need to stop eating their malevolent spirits and instead, dine on fruits with peaceful and virtuous souls, like strawberries and peaches.

Bananas bug me to such an extent that I will go to great lengths to put them down and I tend to exaggerate slightly about their maliciousness. Bananas are evil and humanity’s ignorance of this simple fact is quite infuriating. Doesn’t evil, though perhaps no in the form of a banana, bug you too?



About The Author

Rachel Barnard’s greatest accomplishments have been eating an entire half gallon of ice cream in one sitting, winning a boot toss, and writing a novel about herself. Rachel Barnard wishes she were taller, that chocolate had no calories, and that books could be eaten after they were read. Rachel Barnard resides in the Pacific Northwest and loves to dress up, talk about writing and books, and dance. Rachel Barnard primarily writes young adult books, including Ataxia and the Ravine of Lost Dreams, At One’s Beast, and Donuts in an Empty Field (For the Love of Donuts Book 1).